For the last twenty years, our prosperous, elite-driven nation has been constantly plagued and hindered by teenagers that seemingly have the ability to commit every violent crime in the book without remorse or fear of consequences. From coast to coast, parents, teachers, and community leaders have been witnessing a continuing surge of teenage criminal activity in schools and city streets. In a wide variety of suburban areas across the nation, teenage perpetrators are proactively getting involved in a deadly collection of violent crimes, some of which include theft, burglary, murder, and even prostitution. As an utterly appalled nation we find ourselves asking the same old question again and again, What in Jesus H. Christ do we do about this crap?
Well, ladies and gentlemen, as I was sitting in my favourite pub the other night consuming generous amounts of Bud Ice, I came up with somewhat of a pragmatic solution to the problem at hand: take all of the criminal teens that are doing hard time, and the ones that are about to do some hard time, and ship them off to Iraq.
Okay guys, I know what youre probably thinking right about now. The author has finally flipped his lid and lost it. Perhaps. But in todays complex society of ever-growing teen violence and cybertronic ecstasy, I earnestly believe that pragmatic nightmares need pragmatic solutions. By introducing some of the trade-offs of teen criminal tendencies, I will no doubt explain how both nations, Iraq and the US, can benefit from a national deployment of young teens to the war torn regions of former Mesopotamia.By rounding up and mobilizing all of those violent, devious, teenage troublemakers and moulding them into merciless killing machines, both US and Iraqi forces could curb violence in that region by at least 80%, thus bringing increased stability and lowering oil prices.And lets face it, most of us could use a pretty good break on gas prices nowadays.
Of course, I should do a little more explaining as to how this mobilization and deployment plan would further benefit the American public.
First, lets start off with a few facts regarding teenage criminal activity. At least 96% of all violent and deviant crime committed in large cities at the teen level takes place in the lower classes, plain and simple. Their ignorance and lack of drive are contributing factors to teen violence in schools, homes, and workplaces. Fact 2: When there is rampant violence in the lower classes, disruption occurs the type of disruption that can systematically lead to an impediment of productivity in factories, saw mills, large retail department stores, and other complex working environments. When this happens, the economy gets all screwed up and basically makes waves for the present-day elite classes the true backbone of America. By sending these little miscreants off to Iraq, we thus create stability in the lower classes, which in turn keeps the elite classes happy and in power. Lets get real, when you really think about it, and accept it, the elite classes run this country because they keep all of us, the little people, in our right places.
Okay, so now that weve gotten the basic facts out of the way, we can easily discuss the undiscovered kickbacks of sending these disadvantaged, manipulative, and hot-headed youth over to the land of Persian oil. First of all, the US military can significantly save time and energy on the overhead to train these hormone-induced sociopaths. In most dismal urban areas, violent teens commit anywhere from two to four heinous crimes a week which include anything from death threats, muggings, burglary, arson, grand theft auto, bodily mutilation, armed robbery, and murder, just to name a few. If you look at this with an optimistic eye youll see that these kids werent born for anything else but combat. Normally, it takes a platoon of new soldiers eight weeks, and lots of taxpayer dollars, to successfully pass the infantry basic training course in Ft. Benning, Georgia. However, if the US military had access to some of the hot-headed teens running around out there now, they could easily set up a specially designed combat skills course in which the teens would only need to attend for one month because they of course would already have the inherent skills needed to maim, mutilate, torture, burn, suffocate, or kill anyone in their path. Only this time, instead of popping a cap in Tyrone from the local corner store, theyll be poppin caps at a pissed-off Iraqi militant with an AK-47.
With this type of resolution, there would definitely be reciprocal benefits for all to collect on. Months after the proposed mobilization effort, many police precincts would notice a dramatic drop in violent criminal activity. With this inherent reduction, police officers would have more time to do productive things like visiting the local Dunkin Donuts or issuing parking tickets to underpaid workers that happen to be parking in the spot of some highly important city-elite. Other direct benefits would be the deterrence of future misbehaviour in high schools and middle schools. For instance, a teacher or parent doesnt have to threaten a student with expulsion anymore. Instead of saying something like Clean up your act young man (or young lady), or youll be expelled immediately, an authoritarian would be able to effectively say You better get your ass in gear, or youre gonna be on plane headed for guess where Iraq!
Of course, the devils advocate could also argue that by sending a good majority of these miscreants to Iraq, we would significantly reduce a fair amount of the teenage work force that basically drives our elitist system, but on the contrary, we would actually be saving the future base of our work force. Lets look at the current situation for a moment. Take an urban area like South Central LA, for instance. On any given day, at any given time, a crew of teenagers armed with Glocs, Uzis, and an assortment of other highly lethal armaments, can drive up on a rival gangs block and unleash pure mayhem. While killing off a good portion of their own rival gang-bangers, they also inadvertently kill at least five or six innocent bystanders in the process. On a good day, they can kill off all of their rivals along with at least ten innocent bystanders. In South Central a drive-by occurs almost every two hours. If twelve drive-by shootings occur over the course of one day then you could reasonably argue that the total death toll for all twelve shootings would be around 72 innocent bystanders, most of them being legally employed as factory workers, painters, janitors, bus drivers, and mechanics. As you can see, this apparently affects the work force clearly supported by the lower masses. Again, this makes waves for the elitists. By getting rid of the teenagers that rip and roar down the streets killing each other, we would actually be preserving the work force sustained by our lower masses, thus keeping our elitist caretakers content and happy.
A mobilization effort of this magnitude would be a great and productive way to get rid of all those teenagers that we consider to be lost causes. Instead of killing their peers and innocent bystanders, they could start killing off all of those pesky insurgents in Iraq that are just holding up progress for everyone. Instead of reading three kids kill one in the local newspaper, you could look at an article in Newsweek saying three kids neutralize Al-Qaeda compound, assuming there is an Al-Qaeda-Iraq connection. Besides, wouldnt you feel better knowing that your kid was off somewhere making the world a better place and reducing gas prices at the same time?